I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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