Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize