Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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