Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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