??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
