it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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