On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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