i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
