6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
