Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YAS. BRING CRAB.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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