Tell her she can't have a vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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