I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
