I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
