I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
