You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
