you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
