When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
