Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
