There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
