it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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