Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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