im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
