So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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