In the future we'll all be gay
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Randomize
