I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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