I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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