Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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