did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
