I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
