I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
