apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
