Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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