first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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