I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
