its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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