yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
