I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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