Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I showed him my bush... on skype.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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