I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
