Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We just shotgunned beers for America
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
