feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
