I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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