When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
