I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
