so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
