a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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