Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My balls are so social today.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
