Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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