I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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