Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
