im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
