her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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