I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We have started to decorate penises.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
